Submission is given, not taken. It can be inspired, encouraged, even coerced, but must be offered freely. I strongly believe that both the Dominant and submissive are responsible for participating in a session. That is why it’s called an exchange. Both individuals need to be present, prepared and in tune with each other. Domination is not something I do to you, or for you. It is a dance that I want to explore and perfect together. This dance can be euphoric and satisfying. I am writing this blog with the submissive in mind. I know these tips will not apply to everyone who enjoys BDSM play and that’s where number 4 comes in.
Here are my top 5 suggestions for experiencing subspace in a BDSM power play exchange and getting the most out a scene with your Dominant:
- Develop Trust
Do what you need to do and ask what you need to ask in order to feel safe and confident and build trust in your Dominant. Ask them about their level of experience, their training, how they would handle certain situations, their views on topics that are important to you. Is your Dominant trained in CPR and first aid? What safe word do they use and how do they respond when it is used? If you need to have a check in or sit down for a tea before a session begins, let your Dominant know. I have spent up to an hour (especially with first timers) having a coffee and answering these questions. Engaging in BDSM play makes you very vulnerable. It takes courage and character. If you don’t trust your Dominant to keep you safe then you won’t be able to follow My next suggestion.
- Surrender
I’ve been practicing hot yoga for years. When I started I fought against the heat. I fought against the poses. I would tell Myself that I couldn’t do it, that it was too challenging. What I learned with time and practice was that the better I got at surrendering to the heat and allowing the instructor to guide Me through the flow, the more I benefitted from the class. Your Dominant is there to train you for their entertainment. To use you in the ways that please them most. They will know how to warm you up, stimulate your endorphins, bring you down, read your body language. Surrender. Stay present. The only thing you need to focus on is leaving your ego at the door. Any thoughts you may have about what happened before you arrived for the session, or the list of things you need to do when you leave, can be left at the door too, for you to pick up on your way out. Your only focus should be on learning your Dominant, anticipating their needs and making yourself available for their pleasure. I personally enjoy doing breathing exercises together at the beginning of a session so that we can both be grounded and My submissive can be in the right mind frame to relinquish their will.
- Let your Dominant be your Guide
Similarly in SPIN class (yes I’ve been working out a lot these days), I race when the instructor says to race, I stand, I sit, I increase and decrease the resistance when told to. Why do I do this? Because I know that the instructor has the training and experience to lead Me through an amazing workout. She knows how to challenge me better than I could challenge Myself. I found it amusing when My instructor recently said “It ruins everything when you don’t follow directions”. How very true! (BDSM references everywhere since I started living My truth as a ProDomme). your Dominant’s role is to guide, your role is to follow their direction.
- Communicate
I attended an amazing workshop with Midori where I learned two valuable questions: “What will I see and hear when things are going well?” and “What will I see and hear if things are not going well?”. Both questions are excellent for facilitating communication and for learning about My submissive. I was so excited to introduce them into My next session after the workshop that as soon as he arrived I undressed him, had him at My feet and asked him My remarkable new questions. He stared up at Me with a blank expression so I repeated Myself (not something I do often). he then admitted that this was his first session! Not helpful tools in that situation. Some boys struggle and thrash around when things are great, some struggle when things are not. The same is true with whimpering, or crying, or being completely silent. Shaking can indicate that someone is too nervous to enjoy play and needs more time to warm up. Shaking can indicate that someone is deep in the endorphin rush of subspace. It is a submissive’s responsibility to let their Dominant know what their interests, limits and triggers are, what their experience level is, medical concerns and aftercare considerations (aftercare is definitely getting a blog or two to itself!) There is no way for your Dominant to know these things and be prepared to participate in your exchange without communication!
- Give Feedback
At the end of a session, I always tell My submissive that I am open to any feedback they may have. I don’t want their thoughts right away. A scene, especially when new or intense can take time to process. I also want them to enjoy the floaty feeling of subspace for as long as possible and don’t want to interrupt that with too much thinking or talking. Any D/s relationship takes time and communication to build. your Dominant needs to know what you enjoyed, what you experienced, what you want to explore moving forward and they may share the same. This feedback is an integral part of developing trust and creating rapport. I always follow up with every person I session with for a few reasons: I want them to know that I appreciated the time and energy they offered in serving Me, it opens communication and creates opportunity to discuss both of our expectations moving forward, and most importantly it is an opportunity for aftercare. It is common to experience subdrop several days after play and I see it as My responsibility to be available to support My subs with that process as required. Subspace along with aftercare (like I previously mentioned) will be getting the blog spotlight of their own very soon!
Follow the 5 tips outlined above and I can guarantee, you will be on the right track! Nothing compares to the rewarding and fulfilling experience of having a successful D/s power play exchange with the Dominant you choose to grow and explore with.
I would love to hear any suggestions you would add to this list!
